What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness, in it's basic form, is letting go of the need for revenge and releasing negative thoughts of bitterness and resentment. Forgiveness is an extremely valuable skill to have. I have needed forgiveness my entire life; and right now - I need it more than ever.

What I consider NEXT to murder, I have forgiven! Other than murder close to the worse thing possible. I have seriously, forgiven and then further rebuilt trust again with the betrayer. Of course, the process of that forgiveness and trust building LITERALLY took a good decade or even more.

Most recently, I have had to really revisit and explore this strenght of forgiveness that I've had my entire life. Betrayal is tough to deal with and work though - especially when you get a BIG HUGE DOSE of it all at one time - can we say x 3 plus 1 - yes TIMES 3 plus 1!!! Frankly, I'm not there all the way but at least the NEED (yes, NEED) for negativity gone; I'm working on it.

Compounded betrayal and then having no forgiveness is not a good combination - but also I have always been able to look to the future. Shit, shit happens!! Never say never because people get caught up. I'd like to say that I won't get caught up (and I won't) but the reality is people make mistakes. That is why I always say, don't judge because you never know when you'll be the person getting judged.

Still, honestly we have to protect ourselves as well. Letting go of the pain is a must in life ... however that doesn't mean you need to forget. Forgiveness is NOT forgetting! I won't repeat that but it is worth remembering. We have to protect ourselves from the learned lesson -- RETAIN THAT LESSON -- but, before you move on or move forward release the anger and pain somehow! Acknowledge your own inner pain; this can take what feels like forever because like death (since betrayal is loss) you go through stages and sometimes each stage can be different.

When your [well, when I am] super fucking angry it is so hard to express your feelings. AND, then when you do express your feeling by yelling and/or attacking the person or people ... you can [also] do some long term damage to that relationship. I'd say figure out as soon as possible if your going to keep that relationship or let it go. Sometimes, that is super difficult to decide when you so damn angry you fear going to jail for acting stupid. So, I suppose assume the relationship will get repaired in some form or another.

One thing that has helped me is trying to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven; replace anger with compassion. Anger with compassion, HUH? Yeah, right. WHY? Truth is - I do this and sometimes I feel like I'm a sucker for doing it AND I do it some much that when someone has done something to me I am quick to try and talk and they don't want to. I have to check myself on this becuase it is really what I want but shit some folks don't know that.

The other thing is demand the truth and nothing but the truth and if you feel like they are lying then they most likely are lying. Gosh, I cannot stand it when I make up my mind on something and I don't know the truth. What makes me so mad about that is ... someone else is basically then deciding for me. LET ME DECIDE. AND, if you are sorry ... don't LIE. That's tough because now that you move forward or move on ... how do you get back to that trust again ... when you know deep down that they could or are still lying.

Remember: most people are selfish and it is rare that someone will live authentically. Don't beat yourself up trying to figure out i.e. if you could have been a better friend to her or a better partner to your man; forgive yourself for your role in the relationship and or the problem. Yeah, both have some fault in any kind of relationship.

BUT, remember, when coping with THINGS/ISSUES/FEELINGS it is important that you don't betray other people. REVENGE isn't going to feel good; I've have felt like revenge would be good but I've actually never had revenge on someone. Oh, wait, when I was 19 I did ... but I ended up looking stupid in the end. I think I learned my lesson quick in that situation but also it didn't make me feel good either.

Oh, and also, some people will betray you in one situation that you wouldn't but then in another they won't. People cope differently with different issues. Sometimes I wonder how the hell he could do that ... well, just cuz I wouldn't doesn't mean he wouldn't. REMEMBER: Look, some folks just are not going to change or if they do change - they just are never going to change in your duo; decide whether to remain in the relationship. This is not easy. The other person more than likely is not a piece of shit.

Forgiveness doesn't have to happen together; you can do it on your own. So, right now, I forgive you! Say it. I care about you but we will never be friends. AND, I'm sorry for my part too. Say it out loud or in writing.